Ode to Mac Miller

2009—I don’t need to lie no mo’

A young girl with a dream.

Dream of going far.

They told her the sky was the limit.

But all she did was fall.

Like a downward spiral... she crawled.

Searching for anything to ease the pain.

So focused on the rain.

So all she did was blame.

Everything and everyone for her mistakes.

Not taking into account she was the one who paved her own way.

She had a choice.

A choice to live or get lost.

Lost up in this world.

That paints pictures of a girl, who is empty.

And blasts it with glitter and gold.

A pretty little image that reflects a cold empty soul.

But she strives.

Strive to be less ugly outside.

Strive to be like millions.

Millions so empty inside.

But why?

Why do we have these feelings inside?

Where we are not satisfied with “me”.

So ready to pay a fee to change me.

Because I can’t see me for me.

Do you know God created me?

Why are they telling me who I should be?

Cause I’m not the girl on TV.

But a girl who wants to be free.

Free from your ideas.

Free from drugs.

Free from the pills.

Free from stress.

And the pain of living life and taking test.

Yes, I know we all fail.

But my pride still brings hell.

Nobody's perfect…

But J. Cole told us all that we were worth it.

And I’m trying to believe.

So that’s why I take a puff of the weed.

It’s the only time my mind is free.

It’s the only way I can believe in what I cannot see.

Cause I need courage.

God please help me... I’m worth it.

I’m trying to be free so can you tell me how I need to be?

Can someone educate me?

Can I have an example?

Maybe even a sample of what it feels like to be just me?

Should I be working to be more like she?

Cause she wishing that she could be me?

And I view her as a Queen…

And I can’t see life so easily,

So I weep.

We cry to we can’t cry no more.

Please free us from our mind.

Cause we running on of time, to be.

To be who God created us to be.

The best.

The one incomparable to the rest.

The one set apart.

Please pour love back into our hearts.

Cause we dying.

Dying for nothing.

Without fulfilling purpose.

And that’s worthless.

Did you even know your purpose?

Was it worth it?

Teach me how to love me for me.

Teach me how to love you for you.

Let me not compare our worth.

Let me be able to see your crown too.

Right now I’m blinded.

I’m robed of my slight;

Of my perception.

Robed of my dream to be.

All that I aspire to be.

Because I cannot see.

The woman you claim me to be.

A hero with a cape.

A woman who’ll pave the way,

For others to be great.

A Leader.

A trailblazer, A feminist, A creator.

Hell, I used to have a dreams of being me!

Just little old me.

Just Courtney Marie!

But it ain’t 2009 no more.

The world ain’t really nice no more.

I can’t afford to pay the price no more.

The price of being “the”

And then possibly losing me.

It was a dream I saw so differently.

Blurry depictions of what could be.

If only I believe,

Believe in me.

I probably could be.

All that I dreamed to be.

But the world keeps robing me.

Over and over again.

It takes my image and distorts the lens.

But by surprise, the fighter in me still is alive.

Ready to see it happen.

Ready to be the epitome of black girl magic.

Ten years later, you would think I would be wiser by now.

Stronger than the world.

Shaped and molded, no longer a girl.

But a woman.

A woman who knows who she is inside.

A women who has decided to no longer hide.

To be bold.

To be the boss she was created to be.

Called.

Purposed.

Powerful.

And most importantly…

FREE.

Without Fear.

Living her best life.

Pursuing a career that makes her feel fulfilled inside.

And not just working for the money.

But working so that in the end she can take a stroll through that land of milk and honey.

Boy, ain’t that funny.

Cause it ain’t 2009 no more.

And the sun don’t always shine no more.

And I personally—I don’t want to cry no more.

Because…

Nowadays all I do is shine.

Take a breath and ease my mind.

And, I ain't asking, "Why?" no more.

Lord, take it if it's mine.

I don't stay inside the lines.

And you know, I love that statement the most.

You cannot stay inside the lines…

If you truly want to shine.

I’m starting to believe it’s my time.

My time to be.

All that God created me to be.

xoxo

Courtney Marie